WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
