I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he fucked my hip out of place.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
