cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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