Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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