Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
