sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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