why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
