I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
