someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
