Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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