I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I will be naked everywhere
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
