Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
