They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
