If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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