i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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