I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he fucked my hip out of place.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
