Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
