he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
