ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
