My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
