I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
