oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
