he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
