so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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