I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
