ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Houston, we have a blender
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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