Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
