This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
