why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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