i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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