i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
