you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize