Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
