I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
