Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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