Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All the doctor said was why
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
