My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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