Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
