peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
