I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
