Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
