Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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