There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
