Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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