Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
