i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
