I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
