I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
