i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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