I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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