there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
