I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
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He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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