Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
