Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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