I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
