I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
