He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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