i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
