I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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